Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
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[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
O Wise One….
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!