Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
They’re stuck in your pants?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost