Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
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My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
No laws when master is gone
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.