Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
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She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
This forever.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
🤣😂🤣
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Spring cleaning checklist…
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?