Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.
Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.