@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

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@JamieDMJ

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

@mom_ontherocks

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

@Darlainky

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

@Schmoodles

Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.

@Juicedballs

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

@TheBoydP

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

@Tobi_Is_Fab

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

@causticbob

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.