Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”


SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no


[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]


In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.


ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
ME: correct
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok


He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.


Neighbor: Yard sale huh? How much’s mower?
Me: $50
Him: Wait! That’s the one you borrowed from me!
Me: $20
Him: Its a $500 mower!
Me: ..$100


BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop


Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”