@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

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@KentWGraham

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

@panmidwest

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

@chewlongkok_

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

@G96310300

In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.

@aidanjsears

ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
ME: correct
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok

@junejuly12

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

@AristotlesNZ

Neighbor: Yard sale huh? How much’s mower?
Me: $50
Him: Wait! That’s the one you borrowed from me!
Me: $20
Him: Its a $500 mower!
Me: ..$100

@pixelatedboat

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”