Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
2 years later
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean