@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

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@iamspacegirl

Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

@Donna_McCoy

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

@philyuck

ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.

@jdforshort

Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up

~Mosquitos

@FrenulumBreve

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

@NewDadNotes

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

@Mom_Overboard

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.