Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Blew my mind.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.