Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Your proctologist called. He found your head.