Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Become ungovernable.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Every work meeting this week