@Social_Mime

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

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@BoomBoomBetty

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

@natalayhehoo

If I ever want to hide something from my husband I’d put it in the dishwasher- he’d never look in there

@HelloCullen

There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

@Jade_VK

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

@PhuktUpScott

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

@thesulk

Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.

@MarriageMartini

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

@TheBoydP

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.