Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
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[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
“Sheer Arrogance”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.