@50ShadesOf_Cray

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

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@Jandalize

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

@Shenaniglenns

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

@lloydrang

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

@zero3_benz

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

@Gupton68

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

@realHamOnWry

My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.

@Sanbel11

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

@jillboard

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

@KentWGraham

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.