Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.


Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.


I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.


FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.


After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.


My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.


Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car


my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”


Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.