Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
respect