Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
You Might Also Like
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.