Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
You Might Also Like
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
welp
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one