@turtledumplin

Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

@GingerHotDish

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

@Dawn_M_

[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”

@TuffyNyC

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

@thehubrispanda

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

@1par8head

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

@simoncholland

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.