Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?

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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…


I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.


[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”


Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.


Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?



Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary


You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.