“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
Number 7 will shock you
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Me: How do think pirates said “booty” all the time without laughing?
Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*