@thepunningman

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

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@UncleDuke1969

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

@ComedicBust

Me: How do think pirates said “booty” all the time without laughing?

Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.

@Breadery

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

@junkyardigan

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

@Gupton68

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

@jtswhipped

You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.

@BEEAAARR

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

@SondraDeeMe

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

@daemonic3

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”