why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
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I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests