Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
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Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.