ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
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My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.