Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
You Might Also Like
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.