@causticbob

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.

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@_blotty

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

@JoParkerBear

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

@StaceyShortcake

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

@AbbyHasIssues

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

@AngryRaccoon2

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

@DeepDarkFear

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

@Smooheed

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

@PLATINUM2000

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.