@causticbob

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.

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@citizenkawala

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

@MableGertrude

Oh, so you make the bed everyday…I suppose you’re also the type of snob that folds your clothes and puts them in “drawers.”

@NurseMurderer

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

@BuckyIsotope

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

@designersays

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

@NicolaJSwinney

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

@iamk1ts

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.