I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Why does Batman wear a mask?
Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.
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[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
Vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.