*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
my friends when i can’t do basic math
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
mom gave me mine for free
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.