Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
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I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“I’ll do it.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Elephant: oh no
Seems a bit forward
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”
– I yell to my children
“Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” -a very curious play goer.
Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here