Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

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Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.


I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.


“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“I’ll do it.”


Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no


“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing



– I yell to my children


“Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” -a very curious play goer.


Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.


Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here