“Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you’ve had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling.” – me as a doctor
“Why does everyone hate me?” I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
By age 35 you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you just don’t like, and actively frown at if you accidentally grab it.
*wakes up after all night party*
How did I get on this escalator?
So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*