@hazelmotes1

“Why does everyone hate me?” I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.

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@RorynotRoy

“Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you’ve had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling.” – me as a doctor

@neiltyson

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

@KeetPotato

[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
not really

@ThatBrenna

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”

@turtlekiosk

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

@chrisopotamia

By age 35 you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you just don’t like, and actively frown at if you accidentally grab it.

@TheDailySchmuck

*wakes up after all night party*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

How did I get on this escalator?

@hailtotheHunny

So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it

@brianbowman73

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.