No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright