Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’m dying louder than usual today.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
your honor my client chooses dare
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.