Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
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I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted