why does everyone keep saying “i feel sorry for your wife” to me? WHY!?!?!

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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off


Since I live my financial life under water I decided to put a “Beware of sharks” sign in my front yard.


Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.


I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.


Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.


My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.


[invention of wine]

guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years

friend: why

guy: to drink it, obviously

friend: are u okay


craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too