Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
why does everyone keep saying “i feel sorry for your wife” to me? WHY!?!?!
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Since I live my financial life under water I decided to put a “Beware of sharks” sign in my front yard.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[invention of wine]
guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years
guy: to drink it, obviously
friend: are u okay
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.