Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
yall want some gasoline milk
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him