@FBSisnothere

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

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@ThisLocalHater

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

@T_Bonezzz_

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

@MomOnFire

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

@chrisanna4real

Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.

@DanMentos

BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer

@shutupmikeginn

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

@jergarl

87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.

@iamspacegirl

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”