Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
do horses think humans are hats
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter