@heatherjs

Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.

You Might Also Like

@primawesome

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

@MEQ_777

Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it?

Asking for a friend

@Playing_Dad

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

@TheRobCee

#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with “…and you can take THAT to the bank!”

@LostFelicia

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

@Buffalojilll

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

@sacha_is_good

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

@DanMentos

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

@mofrorock

“Two’s company, three’s a crowd” – people who’ve never seen a crowd