Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.

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What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?


Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it?

Asking for a friend


1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work


#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with “…and you can take THAT to the bank!”


Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.


Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.


“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.


Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs


“Two’s company, three’s a crowd” – people who’ve never seen a crowd