What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.
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Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it?
Asking for a friend
Goes into the office…
Office: Get out!
– My stages of getting ready for work
#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with “…and you can take THAT to the bank!”
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
“Two’s company, three’s a crowd” – people who’ve never seen a crowd