Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.