Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
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Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Print is alive and well!!!
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”