Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
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I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.