Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*