@YUCKYBOT

Why does gigahertz? Because megabytez.

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@BlackJerms

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

@1followernodad

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

@pant_leg

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

@GuyThe_Guy

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

@audipenny

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

@caithuls

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

@AndyShulk

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

@InternetHippo

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

@CornOnTheGoblin

[at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that’s why i brought you here

@BoogTweets

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus