the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
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My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My boss called in sick of me
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.