why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
how high up are we talkin’?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏