Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
any last words?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.