Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Kids: Stay in school.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.