Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open