Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
This can never not be funny 😭😭
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
and now we wait
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March