Why does laundry happen to good people?
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My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.