Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
You Might Also Like
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms