Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera