You Might Also Like


Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was “we really shouldn’t be talking about this”.


Flight attendant:”Would you like the chicken or the pasta?”
Me:”What would you suggest?”
Flight Attendant:”Eat before you get on the plane.”


Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….


My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,

“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”


I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.


If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.


I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts


Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”