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@DaddyJew

Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was “we really shouldn’t be talking about this”.

@SteveCarell

Flight attendant:”Would you like the chicken or the pasta?”
Me:”What would you suggest?”
Flight Attendant:”Eat before you get on the plane.”

@djdarrellripley

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

@sickipediabot

My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,

“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

@AndrewNadeau0

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

@abbycohenwl

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

@Rollinintheseat

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”