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@WilliamAder

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

@girlnarly

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

@Smug_Lemur

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

@SimplySnaccbar

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

@bornmiserable

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

@ArfMeasures

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*