*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
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I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
#damn
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.