We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Me: ruin me for other men
*Two kids later*
Me: not like that
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
CROCODILE: SAY IT
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Them: What’s your favorite food?