Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was “we really shouldn’t be talking about this”.
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Flight attendant:”Would you like the chicken or the pasta?”
Me:”What would you suggest?”
Flight Attendant:”Eat before you get on the plane.”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,
“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
*Goes to morgue*
*Sits with cool kids*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”