ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
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The Onion called it…again.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.