Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
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I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Give a baker flours on your first date.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife: