Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
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My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy