why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.