Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.