Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

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During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter


“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever


Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday


Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?

Oh how we laughed and laughed….

PS: I need bail money.


Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer


Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.


[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!


coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator


Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]


I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.