@birbigs

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

@OVO_Ty15

“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever

@danjan13

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

@troublewinks

Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?

Oh how we laughed and laughed….

PS: I need bail money.

@ronnui_

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

@LoveNLunchmeat

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

@dave_cactus

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

@spookperson

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

@ShortSleeveSuit

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

@simoncholland

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.