Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
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Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.