@cottoncandaddy

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

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@ohJuliatweets

I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.

@CulturedRuffian

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

@SCbchbum

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

@PetrickSara

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

@AmericanGent69

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

@BunAndLeggings

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

@_Kayditty

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

@ifuseekamynow

I want to follow you back, really, I do.

But the hash tags.
My god the hash tags.