why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

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M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time


My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….


I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.


Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.


My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.


Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”


So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌


It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.


“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.