why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
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Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.