Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
the last thing a carrot sees
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry