I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I’m aging like a fine banana
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault