why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not